I had a melt down a couple of days ago. It was pretty bad. You see, I suffer from bouts of depression and anxiety. They come and go with irregular frequency. The depression doesn’t last for very long, and I have good coping mechanisms so I don’t take medication. However, my anxieties are growing. The reason why I’m opening up like this is because I feel like I need too. So many people, and myself, have a hard time opening up about the darkness in our heads. I guess there’s a sense of shame because why can’t we be happy like everyone else. This sorta leads me up to my melt down.
I have never really been a healthy person. The only time I was was while I served in the military and even then, it wasn’t 100% healthy. I have some medical issues that have caused me to put on an unhealthy amount of weight and quitting smoking has also caused me to put on some pounds. My mental issues are exasperated by my weight issues and my weight issues are exasperated by my mental issues. See my problem here?
My only saving grace is my husband. Honestly, I don’t think I could have pulled myself out of the black whole of self-doubt if it wasn’t for him. He has seen me at my best and at my worst. We are trying to have a baby but have run into complications. Fertility medication hasn’t worked and now the doctors are going to see if all my parts are working right. I, however, believe that my weight is a major issue, so I have begun steps to remedy that.
I’m hoping that as I fix my body physically, my mind and perhaps my soul, will also pull themselves back together. It is an awful feeling, hating everything about yourself. I struggle to find one thing that I like about myself everyday. Sometimes it’s a physical thing, sometimes it’s something much deeper. I know talking about my troubles helps tremendously but more often than not, I choose to suffer in silence because I hate to be a burden on anyone. My husband tells me that I’m not, so I’ll have to take his word for it.
For any of you who are also suffering (civilian or veteran) please find someone that you feel like you can talk to without fear. Hell, message me and I’ll be your shoulder.
Until next time, my peoples!