I had a melt down a couple of days ago. It was pretty bad. You see, I suffer from bouts of depression and anxiety. They come and go with irregular frequency. The depression doesn’t last for very long, and I have good coping mechanisms so I don’t take medication. However, my anxieties are growing. The reason why I’m opening up like this is because I feel like I need too. So many people, and myself, have a hard time opening up about the darkness in our heads. I guess there’s a sense of shame because why can’t we be happy like everyone else. This sorta leads me up to my melt down.
I have never really been a healthy person. The only time I was was while I served in the military and even then, it wasn’t 100% healthy. I have some medical issues that have caused me to put on an unhealthy amount of weight and quitting smoking has also caused me to put on some pounds. My mental issues are exasperated by my weight issues and my weight issues are exasperated by my mental issues. See my problem here?
My only saving grace is my husband. Honestly, I don’t think I could have pulled myself out of the black whole of self-doubt if it wasn’t for him. He has seen me at my best and at my worst. We are trying to have a baby but have run into complications. Fertility medication hasn’t worked and now the doctors are going to see if all my parts are working right. I, however, believe that my weight is a major issue, so I have begun steps to remedy that.
I’m hoping that as I fix my body physically, my mind and perhaps my soul, will also pull themselves back together. It is an awful feeling, hating everything about yourself. I struggle to find one thing that I like about myself everyday. Sometimes it’s a physical thing, sometimes it’s something much deeper. I know talking about my troubles helps tremendously but more often than not, I choose to suffer in silence because I hate to be a burden on anyone. My husband tells me that I’m not, so I’ll have to take his word for it.
For any of you who are also suffering (civilian or veteran) please find someone that you feel like you can talk to without fear. Hell, message me and I’ll be your shoulder.
Until next time, my peoples!
So with the leisurely time that is my summer vacation, I have dedicated some of that time to catching up on some shows that I’ve been meaning to watch. These shows are on on Netflix, which I recently acquired. The shows in question are Jessica Jones and Daredevil and in case you don’t know both of these are own by Marvel. Goddammit Marvel! Why do you have to make such awesome shows. I really want to give DC a chance, but they are seriously lagging behind in the content department. Anyways, if you haven’t checked these shows out yet, you really need to. I will admit that the first season of Daredevil is a little boring but the second season more than makes up for it. Either way I am happily slipping further and further into my Marvel addiction. Please say a prayer for my poor husband who has to listen to me rant and rave over fictional characters. Ha ha
No really I do…
The main issue that I have is that my imagination appears to have ADD. No seriously, it does. Every time I sit down to work on either Frank Tales or Souls in the Dark my imagination goes hey I have this great idea! The worst part of it all is that nine times out of ten, it is a killer idea. So naturally I have to try and develop it a little before it’s gone from my head. The next thing I know, it’s time to cook dinner and I haven’t done anything that I set out to do. Bugger!
Some times I really hate my brain…sigh
Peeks carefully around the corner…Hey there. Sorry I’ve been so quiet lately. The end of the school year was completely crazy and I don’t think I have ever been so glad to be done with it. When I say this year has been crazy please believe me, I work in EC (special needs) so I know crazy. And please don’t think that I’m calling the kids crazy, I’m not, but I do have to put up with crazy situations.
We lost six, I repeat six, teachers this year. On top of that we lost eight teacher assistants. I had to break up a fight. I had to deal with teachers who didn’t communicate at all. There was also a child whose parents didn’t care if they made it to school for the EOGs. We had to pick up two students. The EC bus picked up a small child that was running in and out of the road and all this happened within the last two weeks of the school year.
But all that’s over now. I plan on not doing a cotton pickin’ thing for the first week of my vacation. I need time to destress from this year. After that, it’s go time. I have a couple of projects that I want to complete over the summer. I’m almost finished with Frank Tales. I’m gonna finish that first before I settle down to punch out Souls in the Dark. It will be a pretty busy summer but for now, it’s time to party!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So to all my fellow educators, enjoy your break, you deserve it!